Friendship

Here we go. Topic number two. It just popped into my head, so let's just go with it okay? Fabulous.


Topic Two
Number Two in the blithering idiot Saga
Numero Dos


I have come to the sudden and recent understanding that I am in fact a very shitty friend.
Now I'm not saying this to upset anyone or make anyone try to deny it (because I know all you're finger's are simply itching to write something in the comment box). I know a lot of people say and believe this. But I'm not just saying it. I know I'm a terrible friend.

For a start I'm a pretty selfish person. If I don't want to do something, I won't do it. This is just the way I've been for the past, I don't know, five ish years. I've been allowed to do it and it has gotten to the point where, I don't know if I do it because I want to or just because it's what I do. I.e Sit on my own in my room doing whatever the fuck I want. No judgement. Then of course I had the excuse of, but all my friends are at uni. Well they weren't were they, because I'd already lost all my friends by then. I'd already let myself sink into my pathetic little hole of doing as little as possible. So people asked me to do things, not really very often, and I said no, because being by myself was easier.

So now look at me. I want to go out, now no one will come with me. I don't mind not going out. That isn't the issue. My issue is now that I just feel. Lousy. Like a lousy, shitty, rubbish friend that doesn't really have any friends at all because she didn't look after the ones that she had in the first place. And where the hell am I going to find new ones if I can't get the ones I know I love back?

Because I do, I really do love the friends that I have, and I like their friends, but for some reason when I'm around girls my own age I turn into this little reserved nerd person, that knows she has nothing worth talking about to say. They don't even think about me. Because why the hell should they? Why the hell would they?

I have better relationships (friendship wise) with forty year old men than I do with people my own age? Why is this? Really, don't understand. How messed up is that?

Do you ever wonder if some people just aren't supposed to have friends? If some people are just born to be little hermit people that never leave their houses, never meet anyone. Just go to and from work and never leave the house except to buy food and to visit their mothers when they start calling every day asking if they have married someone in the past twenty four hours in which they called.

I don't know. I know that A) I'm the only one to blame and B) I'm the only one that can do anything about it. I know that. And I semi and planning on it. It's just a little bit. Well, intimidating isn't it? It means I need to seriously change my outlook on... well everything.

....

I'll let you know, shall I?