Let me put this blog into perspective: I'm in New Zealand and will be here for four months, at which point I - or we, I should say considering I'm travelling with my sister... - will move on to America for a month where we will be visiting multiple different Cities and states. I am travelling only her and as of two weeks in, we have made no particular friends, and although are saying with a lovely lady in her home have made no special bonds with any other people. I know I need to give it time, especially considering both of our dispositions to be rather quite reserved and shy, it is admittedly going to take a long time for us to make friends with anyone. I know this. I always knew this. What I didn't intend, through the desire not to think about it, is our tendency to bicker and my need for solitude. Which is fine when you're in a big city, or somewhere you are familiar with, you can just take yourself off for a walk, or shut yourself in your room and listen to some rage music, until your anger simmers down and your ready to silently forgive each other as siblings often do.
When you are travelling with them, however, and you're in a small town with very little to do. I can be difficult to escape the "sort your face out" or "I'm going to punch you in a minute" comments. Which are occasionally hurtful, or irritating because you weren't aware there was anything wrong with your face, you were just in a world of your own...
Don't worry by the way, we haven't fallen out badly recently, they're more often five minute spats with the equal timer of simmering down. But they are comments I have heard often.
The problem is, my solitude is something I treasure, but if we are in a small town, I can't get it because we are both so bored that we can't be bothered to separate because we assume one of us will amuse the other, if only for a short time.
If you're in a bigger city, the likely-hood that you're going to be staying in a hostel (at least on our budget) is incredibly high, what does that mean, you'll be sharing a room with however-many-or-so complete strangers. Wonderful considering my tendency toward social awkwardness and clamming up like a oyster around people, a small voice in my head saying "don't say that, they'll think you're a moron" until you finally gather the courage, open your mouth to comment and realise they have already changed topic. I never could keep up.
All of this and more has slowly lead me to realise:
One can never anticipate how much they will miss home. Their family, their friends and even their beds. While my bed isn't particularly that comfortable, it is missed. As is my cat, but oh god don't I may have to start crying!
I miss my home. I miss being able to do whatever I want and no one criticise me for it. Why can't I stay in my room and sleep if that's what I want to do?
Oh yeah, because I have flown half way across the world to explore a country I thought I knew something about, but in fact knew so little about I feel guilty that I am actually here when there are other people that probably deserve this opportunity more. Having said all this makes me sound so ungrateful for this amazing chance, but you mustn't think that. It isn't that I do actually want to sit around doing nothing while five months fly past in a blur, but it's more that even if I did want to, I couldn't without being judged or criticised. I do want to explore and be awed and amazed. But I want to do it with someone who will help me appreciate it more. I want to do it with my family and my friends, and not have to feel guilty or sad that I don't get to share it with them in the flesh. Photographs and Skype calls don't make up for the lack of hugs or casual conversations held by the kettle as you wait for it to boil.
I'm almost waiting for this adventure to start.
But that isn't how it works.
I'm supposed to go and find it.
Maybe I'm looking for something else.
I'm living in the future, keep thinking, only four and a half months till I get to see my family again... Hopefully next week the adventure will kick start and we'll really start doing things. It's getting hotter here too so that will hopefully make things a little better too. After that I will get too busy to miss home.
Love you guys.
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